Halifax 2016 : A Smoker’s Diary
(Comedy…. or is it?)
Blowing smoke -AB
January 12, 2007
By JOSE RODRIGUEZ
By JOSE RODRIGUEZ
OK, OK, OK!
We give, we surrender.
You win, we lose.
I promise, promise, promise to leave my smokes in the truck and check my matches at the door the next time I go for a beer.
But please allow me one parting shot at the city”s ridiculously-concocted, ill-executed smoking bylaw before they empty my ashtray for the last time.
First things first.
It”s a sad day for freedom when business owners who cater to strictly adult clientele aren’t allowed to dictate what legal activities can take place inside the closed doors of their establishments.
I’m sure somewhere in hell, Stalin is applauding.
Last time I checked, there were no reports of non-smokers being kidnapped from pub parking lots, tied to barstools and forced to suck in smoke rings. I assume they went to smoking bars of their own free will.
Then there’s the hypocrisy of it all.
It’s OK for Johnny (double rye and coke) Smith to get absolutely obliterated or Frankie (should have cashed out) Jones to feed his life savings into a VLT, as long as they keep their lighters holstered.
What a crock!
Bars aren’t churches.
They cater to vices and anyone who thinks drinking and gambling don’t have an effect on people other than those partaking in the sinful deeds, needs to pick up a newspaper more often.
Surely we’re not moving to ban booze and gambling too, are we?
Non-smoking activists also argue second-hand smoke harms the workers who are forced to sling drinks and dumplings inside the fog-filled lounges.
Well, I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but we’re in the midst of a boom.
If you don’t like your job, go get another one.
But the most distressing part of the new bylaw is the disgusting double-standard it sets.
The way it’s being rolled out is about as fair as a game of Texas hold ’em with a team of blind monks.
Allowing bingo halls and casinos to cater to smokers punishes bar owners who will no doubt lose many of their clients to the gambling joints.
In the end, life is a funny and unpredictable thing.
Many a young man whose lips never touched a cancer stick died far too early and George Burns, who was seldom photographed without a cigar in his mouth, lived to be 100.
Taking away business owners’ rights to run their business and smokers’ rights to partake in the perfectly legal activity that has garnered the federal and provincial governments more than $150 billion in tobacco taxes since 1970, is hypocritical.
Bars are places where grown ups go to do grown up things.
Attendance is voluntary and those who don’t like the smoke can frequent any of the fine non-smoking establishments that will no doubt thrive given the new-found zeal for drinking among non-smokers.
But until I’m pushing up daisies in some boneyard, I’ll continue to argue there is a bigger chance of dying in a bar brawl at the fists of some drunken idiot than there is of dying from second-hand smoke contracted in some drinking establishment.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Now here’s my white flag.
I reluctantly surrender.
Open up! It’s the smoke police!
By IAN SHANLEY
June 9, 2006
June 9, 2006
George Orwell was right. Big Brother is watching you. Especially if you’re buying cigarettes! In case you missed it (you didn’t), Finance Minister Greg Selinger this week introduced a bill that changes the amount of smokes one can “legally” own here in this part of the Great White North.
Better do an inventory, my friends, and if you happen to have recently gone to the bank for a loan and are now the proud owner of more than five cartons of the life-reducing tobacco sticks, the man is out to get you. Like you’re not paranoid enough already!
Five cartons is 40 packs of 25, or 1,000 cancer sticks. Sure, that’s a lot of cigs, and I am certainly against smokers and their vile habit, but … where does the government get off telling the dwindling smoking population just how many they can buy?
I am against this bill, and I’ll tell you why. It starts with the smokes, and the next thing we know, other things will begin to be regulated.
I mean, sure, some things should be monitored like how many tonnes of fertilizer you can stockpile, or how many dynamite sticks you can have out in the garage (damn squirrels!). Maybe there should even be a limit on how many unregistered guns you can own, but where does this end?
What’s next? “I’m sorry, sir, but you are over your weekly allotment of gasoline. I’ll have to report you if you continue to fill up your vehicle.” Or, “Hmmmm … according to our records, you bought a dozen brewskis last week. I’m going to have to see proof that you drank them already before allowing you to buy more.” Or how about “I can’t let you rent more than two movies today. You watched four last week. Don’t make me call security.”
Besides, just who the (really bad word) is going to monitor this? The smoke police? What would our world be like then?
(cue fantasy-like harp music)
Smoke Police: Knock, knock.
Suspect: Who’s (hack) there?
Smoke Police: Smoke police. Come out with your nicotine-stained hands up!
Suspect: What’s this (cough) about?
Smoke Police: You have exactly two puffs to open this door!
Suspect: (opening door) What seems to be (wheeze) the problem, officers?
Smoke Police: We were given a tip that you are in possession of an illegal number of cigarettes, scumbag! Down on the ground.
Suspect: What? (laboured breathing) Those aren’t mine! I was just holding them for a friend!
Smoke Police: Cuff him!
Suspect: You haven’t heard the last (hack) of this. I’ll see you in court!
(end harp music)
Is this the future of our so-called society? How regulated is it going to get? According to Selinger, “Forty packs of cigarettes should hold you for awhile.” True, but so should the billions of dollars in tax revenue hold the government for awhile. What ever happened to free enterprise?
Speaking of money, those caught with more than their limit of cigs face a $20,000 fine, or up to a year in the big house.
(cue theme from OZ)
Actual Criminal: So, what are you in for, murder?
You: Um, not exactly.
Actual Criminal: Plotting to behead the prime minister?”
You: Not quite.
Actual Criminal: What, then?
You: OK! OK! Illegal cigarette possession!
Actual Criminal: See you in the shower!
You: Guard!!
Hopefully, it will never get to this point, but be reasonable. Our resources are already stretched to the limit.
Also, I’m sorry, but you can’t legally read past page 11 of today’s paper.
Remember, Big Brother is watching you. Even if it is through that cloud of toxic smoke.
Read
Better do an inventory, my friends, and if you happen to have recently gone to the bank for a loan and are now the proud owner of more than five cartons of the life-reducing tobacco sticks, the man is out to get you. Like you’re not paranoid enough already!
Five cartons is 40 packs of 25, or 1,000 cancer sticks. Sure, that’s a lot of cigs, and I am certainly against smokers and their vile habit, but … where does the government get off telling the dwindling smoking population just how many they can buy?
I am against this bill, and I’ll tell you why. It starts with the smokes, and the next thing we know, other things will begin to be regulated.
I mean, sure, some things should be monitored like how many tonnes of fertilizer you can stockpile, or how many dynamite sticks you can have out in the garage (damn squirrels!). Maybe there should even be a limit on how many unregistered guns you can own, but where does this end?
What’s next? “I’m sorry, sir, but you are over your weekly allotment of gasoline. I’ll have to report you if you continue to fill up your vehicle.” Or, “Hmmmm … according to our records, you bought a dozen brewskis last week. I’m going to have to see proof that you drank them already before allowing you to buy more.” Or how about “I can’t let you rent more than two movies today. You watched four last week. Don’t make me call security.”
Besides, just who the (really bad word) is going to monitor this? The smoke police? What would our world be like then?
(cue fantasy-like harp music)
Smoke Police: Knock, knock.
Suspect: Who’s (hack) there?
Smoke Police: Smoke police. Come out with your nicotine-stained hands up!
Suspect: What’s this (cough) about?
Smoke Police: You have exactly two puffs to open this door!
Suspect: (opening door) What seems to be (wheeze) the problem, officers?
Smoke Police: We were given a tip that you are in possession of an illegal number of cigarettes, scumbag! Down on the ground.
Suspect: What? (laboured breathing) Those aren’t mine! I was just holding them for a friend!
Smoke Police: Cuff him!
Suspect: You haven’t heard the last (hack) of this. I’ll see you in court!
(end harp music)
Is this the future of our so-called society? How regulated is it going to get? According to Selinger, “Forty packs of cigarettes should hold you for awhile.” True, but so should the billions of dollars in tax revenue hold the government for awhile. What ever happened to free enterprise?
Speaking of money, those caught with more than their limit of cigs face a $20,000 fine, or up to a year in the big house.
(cue theme from OZ)
Actual Criminal: So, what are you in for, murder?
You: Um, not exactly.
Actual Criminal: Plotting to behead the prime minister?”
You: Not quite.
Actual Criminal: What, then?
You: OK! OK! Illegal cigarette possession!
Actual Criminal: See you in the shower!
You: Guard!!
Hopefully, it will never get to this point, but be reasonable. Our resources are already stretched to the limit.
Also, I’m sorry, but you can’t legally read past page 11 of today’s paper.
Remember, Big Brother is watching you. Even if it is through that cloud of toxic smoke.
Read
Halifax 2016 : A Smoker’s Diary
By Frank Streicher
Nov 3, 2005
Nov 3, 2005
October 10th Only seven more days left before the total ban takes effect. Mind you, it has been tougher getting cigarettes since Prime Minister McKenna’s government outlawed their importation and production two months ago. Rumours are floating about, that a Russian ship has just docked with 2000 cartons aboard. They are also willing to smuggle passengers to Venezuela , one of the last places in the Western hemisphere where cigarettes can be smoked in public places. That Chavez is still pissing off the Yanks.
